Hi everyone, finally this is my first entry in my diary.
It kinda feels weird because now everyone can see what i’m thinking, and i’m willing to be honest with myself here.
This whole diary/blog/website idea comes from a place of hard discomfort.
Basically i needed something do distract me and to cope with.
A lot heartbroken, a lot lost, a lot without a stable sense of self.
This event in my life brought up a shiton of my old insecurities and…this wasn’t nice…AT ALL holyfuck.
Il’go back to the city where i live for uni soon. And i spent my last 2 weeks marinating in my room overthinking everything, so i decided at least to do something useful with it.
So here we are.
I hope that this diary will help me to open myself with my self, to better selfsoothe and take space form the anxiety that fucking eats me alive in certain emotional situations.

i know that i wronged him on some aspects and he wronged me on others..can i say maybe a lot? we triggered our fucking attachement issues and here we are. the thing that really makes me so damn sad, it’s that everything started from a photo i got developed for a surprise when i’d be back in his city. and then a lot happened and he got to know about the photo, we weren’t talking at the moment, he actively ignored me idk why, knowing i had the photos, contacted other people to get it. posted it on socials. like what are you doing, are you hating on me or not? idk man, this is awful, i felt awful, helpless, like i was a fucking toy to play with. sent a damn audio message to understand what was happening, to ask for a better behavior or at least tell me wtf is going on if you want me out of your life don’t post the photo, don’t ask for it and tell me clearly. i was very opinionated. i think that i am right in asking that but i completely stopped to see him and only saw my pain and asked for a better behavior like a tight pussy teacher asks to his student.

i feel so stupid for all this thing. i wish we could talk, or be able to do so in some way.

but you can’t give or receive affection from a place of ego, and he’s in a place of ego now. i got hurt. i try to give him affection the way he needs to, which equals in space and trust, but i feel like i also need to be given the way i need to, lil communication if the situation requires it, a few catch ups weekly. nothing big.

i am so mad with all this situation. i am, we are, fucking losing a friendship above everything. idk why people just wants to throw people away even if the have experiened pitch black solitude. like man, i don’t want to hurt anyone, just give people affection, be good friends, catch up on movies and games and listen to how can i come to meet you in a way that helps you grow other that only entertain you. if i can ofc, i can’t meet up on everything. i just can’t understand. i find being hated on so much simpler. just hate me please.

i know that he has a lot of pressure coming from the thought that people expects on him certain things emotionally but really man, and i understand that sometimes i behave in a way that triggers this. but, there is a middle ground we found it once, we cared together, why we hatin on eachother so much, or at least why no talking?

Today i was thinking to start digging deeper in the solarpunk movement. i like it’s aesthetic but i don’t really like it being a lot politcally correct. I kinda love the killer and distopian vibe in steam and cyberpunk.
Like, for me solarpunk is something really more like people rebuilding things from an open landfill more than a machine that can harvest tomatoes with solar energy.
idk. i have to dig deeper and find out. i may create a post here if i find something cool.

see ya later